You guys. I am tired. I am really really tired. 

I have gotten to the point where I can’t sleep even when the twins do. I have anxiety over the inevitable sleep deprivation that starts between midnight and 2 am. At that point I just rotate babies and nurse for hours while mentally counting down how much sleep I could have in theory, if the babies would just sleep, which just makes the missing sleep worse really.  

I am starting to freak out. How much longer is it going to be like this? I honestly did not think that I was going to have 2 babies that didn’t sleep. I figured that one would at least. 

I am so tired that I can’t keep up with conversations at work, but I can’t sleep when I get the chance. Right now work is slow most of the time so I have been able to get a way with much more than I will be able to in a couple of months. What if I still don’t get any sleep then? What am I going to do? How can I make intelligent business lady type decisions when I can’t even remember to blink?

I don’t know why I am freaking out so bad today. I think it didn’t help that while I was walking out the door Cash was crying, so I felt like shit leaving. because you know, he was obviously speaking baby for “you are a shitty mother leaving me every day”. 

So I am sitting here at work, panicking. 

I think that I have been handling motherhood fairly gracefully up till now, so I will allow myself a bad day every now and then.

I guess that day is today.

I don’t even remember why I started this entry.